Still a mother crying for help to have my voice heard

https://www.facebook.com/100002346091069/posts/1851016154986570/

STAT Treatment

Cataclysm or Silent Blessing?

Tool

Mom's gonna fix it all soon

Mom's comin' 'round to put it back the way it ought to be

'Cause I'm praying for rain

And I'm praying for tidal waves

I wanna see the ground give way

I wanna watch it all go down

Mom please flush it all away

I wanna see it go right in and down

I wanna watch it go right in

Watch you flush it all away

I've been crawling on my belly

Clearing out what could've been

I've been wallowing in my own chaotic

And insecure delusions

I wanna feel the change consume me

Feel the outside turning in

I wanna feel the metamorphosis and

Cleansing I've endured within

In my shadow

My shadow

Change is coming, now is my time

Listen to my muscle memory

Contemplate what I've been clinging to

Forty-six and two ahead of me

I choose to live and to

Grow...

Without the skin

Beneath the storm

Under these tears

The walls came down

And the snake is drowned and

As I look in his eyes

My fear begins to fade

Recalling all of those times

I could have cried then

I should have cried then

And as the walls come down and

As I look in your eyes

My fear begins to fade

Recalling all of the times

I have died

And will die

It's all right

I do mind

I do mind

I do mind

I am too connected...

Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind

Wisdom in my intuition, creating opportunities and I want to 

Feed my will to feel my moment reading in between the lines.

I know the pieces fit 'cause I watched them fall away

I know the pieces fit 'cause I watched them tumble down

There was a time that the pieces fit, but I watched them fall away

I know the pieces fit

I know the pieces fit

I know the pieces fit

I know the pieces fit

I know the pieces fit

I know the pieces fit

I know the pieces fit

I know the pieces fit

Mom's gonna fix it all soon

Mom's comin' 'round to put it back the way it ought to be

Trust me

Trust me

Trust me

Trust me

Trust me

Mom’s gonna heal it all soon

Mom’s comin’ ‘round to put the pieces back together

I just want to start this over

Why?

I want what We want

I want what We want

I want what We want

I want what We want

I opened my eye 

I opened my eye 

I opened my eye and there we were

I opened my eye 

I opened my eye 

I opened my eye and there we were

Mom's gonna heal it all now

Mom's comin' 'round to put it back the way it ought to be

We need new Domestic Violence laws

Well today was the best shitty day in a long time!!

At first it may appear that I somehow lost today. The truth behind that could not be better disguised. Lol

Today I had, what I considered a (DV) domestic violence situation occurring.

Through this process I called DCPP and was advised since it is not physical in nature, they cannot come out to open a case. I was advised to go to Ocean County Superior Court and file for a restraining order. The police were involved too, but legally they cannot assist with regards to child custody issues. I was trying to report a case of domestic violence and get a restraining order. No one would look at our text communication, my supporting documents or take the time to really listen to me and to help me. I was advised to go to the court. LTPD was kind enough to drive us to the court and then home after our matters were settled because I was not feeling well today and didn’t feel well enough to be driving. I got car sick on our way to court and had the officer turn around and take me back home, I was not going to make that drive. Hopefully that is the first and last time my daughter is ever in the back of a police car alone or with me. Lol

I made it to court later after I felt well enough. I got exactly what I expected and nothing of what I hoped for. The probation officer that helped me really took the time to listen to me, document my encounters and give me the due diligence I deserve. Then it went over for DV hearing before we went in front of a judge. My restraining order was denied, because my complaints do not constitute harassment under the current DV laws. Actually there is not a category under the current DV laws that this abuse does fall in. This abuse is a silent killer and the laws cannot even hear the desperate pleas from the other men and women that I know and they too may suffer in silence. 

I appealed and went before the Judge. She too, had to deny a restraining order under the current laws. She did make a recommendation though and I intend to follow it.

This is only one battle of many expected to come. I will no longer allow anyone to silence me. I have a voice and I intend to use it to fight for my rights and the rights of my child from her mentally ill father. It is no longer my job to protect his image. My job is to protect myself and my daughter. 

Please support me and help me make my words and my voice go VIRAL.

PLEASE and Thank you.

I know I am not the only one subjected to this very real psychological abuse, nor excluded from the effects of their toxic environments. Hello 👋🏻 anxiety and hello 👋🏻 depression. We are all fighting daily battles, so please help me help myself so I can help my daughter and as many others as I can xo.

Now I have to live with the guilt of having to send her to her father for the night after a damaging day like today. That is the only reason my day is shitty.

Please help

A note to all of my friends surviving instead of thriving.

I know this is going to sound out of left field, but nonetheless, I am going to say it anyway lol.

I feel like I have been in an eerily similar situation as you. Quite devastating situation. I finally just let my life fall apart. Going into bankruptcy after affording my debt trying to survive in this world.

I am coming up on my 5 year anniversary of my Multiple Sclerosis diagnosis, I am the sickest I have been and I was pretty sick 5 years ago, but I had a husband and daughter and support. I have no one that I had in my life before I fell apart. Those in my life today are my chosen family and very few are my blood.

My life is so much better without them. Who would have known lol?

MS is trying to take my mind. The one thing I could always count on. Too much confusion in my life.

My daughter. My love, my life. She was raised right, until we started raising her wrong and I was blind to it all at first. I was in love. I had no idea how mentally ill we both were. I left two years ago after 18 years. I was 21 with so much potential and so much pain. Pain from an emotionally abusive childhood and I married my mother. Neither of us knew what a happy marriage should look like, so he guided me and I had no idea how misguided he was. We built an illusion of what we thought love looked like and forgot to include what it should feel like.

I was abused for my entire existence that I can remember. I cannot remember anything before my parents divorce. Trauma as I unknowingly fell victim to my mothers pain and anger as she alienated my father and I.

I recently found this truth out.

My father died young from cancer. I gave him peace that day. He gave me peace through one of his chosen family member’s recently. That day changed my path for the better.

My concern now is that my daughter’s father is alienating us from each other and I have no legal recourse to protect either of us. I intend to find a way to break this cycle of abuse. I just need to get my voice out there, because I need more support.

It’s ok to fall apart. It may finally allow you to find those shattered pieces and heal them. Then place those pieces back together and work on keeping those pieces united inside of you forever.

You have a chance to rebuild your life with new profound perspectives. Similar to if “If I knew then what I know now!” You have a chance to know right back then and right now xo.

I ask this question as a parent who understands their child and the way the world actually works. Please know that my child does not understand the way either world exists and just simply loves her toxic parent and the environment he/she has made for her.

How does a parent knowingly send her child to an abusive parent for half of her life?

Oh and you can not see her bruises.

Personal belief development

Personal belief development

Beliefs I have developed as a white, catholic, female who thinks she knows her heritage. Please don't forget all that makes me who I am, that I listed in my original post. Also, I am a lower middle class survivor that spent in excess, to maintain an image of happiness. I would rather charge it and worry about paying later. Why, because I could afford my debt!

It was how I was taught to live. I was told, “live beneath your means,” but I was shown to pay for it with a credit card. I was never shown how to pay a credit card bill, only rather feel it become a source of pain in my household. I just did not understand why, no one ever explained it to me so that I could understand. I was eventually told getting a credit card was a bad idea, but a good idea to build credit. So confusing lol. 

I was seemingly rewarded with perceived necessities disguised as gifts. As a child I often watched my family purchase these gifts with a credit card. Then we would go to lunch and sometimes play card or dice games at home. Shopping was obviously a fun habit. I felt happy, my family felt happy (usually from the drinks at lunch) and the house felt happier. Until my grandfather would come home lol. The dynamic would shift back to confusing, but I could not understand why. 

Shopping made me feel happy. Until I turned 41.

How does shopping make you feel now? 

The way I allow it to.

My personal duties

My duties:

My duties are required to meet my responsibilities. We all seem to hold similar responsibilities and duties, some men, some women, but all human beings. Regardless of race, culture, religion and hate. They are, however, only my responsibilities and duties that I speak to. 

Wait, you just expressed that all human beings do this similarly, so how can you only speak to your own personal responsibilities and duties? 

I like to ask a lot of questions of myself, even silly ones. I think it is my inner two year resurfacing, because I was often told “children should be seen and not heard.” Wow, that silenced me at two years old? Well she is back and I will not stop asking why. Lol 

My response: I am the only version of me alive. 

How I define my personal beliefs is by accepting my responsibilities and my personal accountability for the actions I chose to take, in order to carry out my duties. I begin to understand the world around me by gaining an understanding of myself, and my selfless desire to share the insight I have gained, just by listening, observing and researching.

I was confused for the first 40 years of my life. No more though, I am 41 now and that changed EVERYTHING! Lol

Everything???????????????????

My personal responsibilities

Take care of my daughter, take care of my husband, take care of my mother, my sister, my father, my stepfathers, grandparents, great grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, friends, co-workers, classmates, patients, all the steps, greats and generations, and all of my ex’s.

What do I mean by “take care of?”

41 years of life experience

BS, RN, CCM, Mom, MS warrior, 

Wife, Ex-Wife,

Daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, cousin, aunt, auntie, auntz, coworker, classmate +

Now try to repeat with step...Step-Daughter...etc.

Now try to repeat with great or second or third or whichever  generation...

I hope to never become ex-daughter, ex-sister, ex-niece, ex-cousin, ex-Aunt, Auntie, Auntz, ex-coworker or ex-classmate +

I did not become an ex-granddaughter.

I have never tried to become ex-anything.

That is who I am.